Poetry and Pieces for Peter: 2/1/08

2/19/08

I AM SORRY YOU WERE SO SAD

Your beautiful smile and lustrous brown eyes,
So filled with warmth and enticement and smoldering pain
Drew me in as a girl of thirteen
And now, as a woman of many years,
I find my own eyes filled with a new wealth of tears.

I have rediscovered your beauty
And I am mourning for the empty decades
Without the exquisiteness of your heart
And talent to share with the world,
And to share with this young girl
Who felt an awakening because of you
And a shattering because of you, too.

It is effortless and arduous both,
To find words expressive enough
To even understand for myself
How your soul touched mine
Before I even knew what it was I was feeling
And how it touches me still to remember you,
Forever in time still young and handsome,
Full of life and offering yourself to the world.

I am sorry you were so sad.
I am sorry the hearts you touched
And stirred to devotion
Weren't felt by you;
Weren't enough to embrace you
And shield you from your horrible impulse.

How cruelly you left me;
How desolately you abandoned yourself.
You shattered me; you broke my immature heart.
And my weathered heart still breaks for you now.
When I was thirteen,
My heart broke for MY loss of you.
Now it only mourns for your loss of you.
Peace, Peter. Rest well.

September 10, 2007
For Peter

A MOMENT IN TIME

In honor of Peter Ellstrom Deuel on the 36th anniversary of his tragic death.

--a simple pencil drawing by Cherie--

12-31-07

FADE TO BLACK

No eyes were more expressive

when your joy was still intact

But when the pain engulfed you so,

I watched your eyes go flat.

As if a shadow hid their beauty,

as if your spirit could no longer shine;

I closely watched your eyes those days,

I studied them with mine,

and when you could no longer hide your pain

I watched them fade to black

and I am forced to face the truth

that we will never have you back.

Those last few weeks you graced this earth

everything about you changed.

Your smile was false, your light was gone

no expressiveness remained.

As if the inate core of you went cold,

as if your sweet and loving side

was suddenly hollow and without joy

and the deepest part of you had died.

And you could no longer hide your pain

so I watched you fade to black

and I cry now when forced to face the truth

that we will never have you back.

A friend who is my very age,

but wiser and more enlightened by years

just told me "He smiled for us as long as he could.."

and you did, you tried so hard to hide your fears.

As if pretending to pretend could make you well

as if with a smile you could make us believe

that you were fine and your soul was whole,

that you would never purposefully leave.

And yet instead you made the choice

to allow yourself to fade to black

and I have learned to accept the truth

that we will never have you back.

October 2, 2007

For Peter

FULLER AVENUE

You love coming home
You are not a stranger there.
Your day’s worry washed away.
You replenish. You repair.

So, you are home now,
Step surely, climb the stair.
Your safe haven beckons you;
There is comfort waiting there.

November 17, 2007

For Peter